(Just) Be Grateful: The Hidden Weight of Gratitude in Adoption

“Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.” — The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

In HBO’s show Task, Emily (Silvia Dionicio) has multiple conversations with her therapist about gratitude and the burden of her parents’ decision to adopt her and her older brother. She is a teenage, transracial adoptee (a person adopted by parents of a different race or culture), navigating a complex relationship with her sister while trying to protect her brother, process her own adoption trauma, and manage her family’s fractured dynamics after the untimely death of their mother.

She admits to imagining what her family’s life would have been like without their adoption. Emily struggles to express negative emotions and exclaims,

“I’m going through all this pain too, and all I’m ever supposed to feel is grateful [for being adopted] all the time. Well, that’s not how I feel.”

While watching this with my husband, I audibly sighed and had to pause the TV to discuss. I completely understood Emily. I shared that the sentiment “be grateful” has been directed at me before. I’ve also heard, "…but you had a good life" when others try to rationalize the good and difficult things in my life. And when that happens I tend to disconnect in that moment—because in my eyes, they don’t truly see me.

There is a common narrative that pre-adoption is bad and post-adoption is perfect. There are assumptions that adoptees should be more grateful than not, and that gratitude is the primary—or even the only—emotion they should express. Adoptees are often reminded that “it could have been worse” or told that their adoptive family made the "ultimate sacrifice.”

In a behind-the-scenes interview, Silvia (who plays Emily) shared that her character “tried to be perfect to fit in, to make them feel like they made the right decision (to adopt).” That felt oddly familiar. As a child, I picked up on conversations among extended family that joked that there was a connection between how I behaved and the possibility of being “sent back".

Isn’t gratitude something felt and defined by the person experiencing it?

When society imposes the expectation that adoptees must be grateful for their “second chance,” it pushes a harmful narrative. It assumes adoptees aren’t already grateful. It assumes their current situation is inherently better. And it perpetuates the idea that adoption is without other complex emotions—such as abandonment, identity struggles, belonging, and trust.

Ironically, I recently had a text conversation with my birth mother. I was simply checking in on her health and mentioned that I found a photo of her holding me when I was in foster care. I followed up with a question about my foster family.

I was caught off guard when she proceeded to scold me, telling me I was living in the past, and to

“...be grateful that you had the life you had in your younger years…not many adopted children had what you had.”

There was more in the text centered around her role in my family's life—in which she assumed a grandmother/mother-in-law title when one has never been discussed and certainly not given. (Trust me, I'll talk about adoption reunions, managing expectations, and healthy boundaries in a future post.)

I went through a range of emotions. I felt dismissed. Then misunderstood. Her response didn’t match my intention. For the next day or so, I sat in that feeling—resentful of the expectation of gratitude. Then came anger. Then sadness. From that exchange, I chose to protect my peace and reinforce my boundaries. I’ve learned that I can’t change others, and in most cases, I can’t change how someone else chooses to show up. But, I can control my reaction, my breathing, and what I choose to surround myself with.

As Mirah Riben writes in “Adoption Gratitude, the Humble Brag, and Gaslighting", when gratitude is expected,

"Adoptees...feel a deep sense of rejection and then unlike anyone else, are made to feel that they owe the world a debt of gratitude for having been “saved” and given a warm comfortable home, ample food to eat, clothes and schooling...".

I used to struggle to understand how people can lack compassion. Not walking in someone else’s shoes but expecting them to be or respond a certain way is—wild. For my birth mother, I don’t know what it was like to be her, young and pregnant without support. She didn’t reject me—the person I am today. She didn’t know me. She made the best decision she could with what she had. I can and have accepted her reasoning. But on the flip side—over the twelve years we've been in contact, she's never tried to understand how adoption, no matter how rooted in love, has shaped, impacted, and influenced every aspect of my life.

Bottom line, conversations during and after the adoption reunion phase need a lot of compassion and understanding to make it all "work".

My questions throughout my adoption journey have never been about gratitude. They’ve been about understanding—about seeing the full picture from every angle (hers, my birth father’s, my foster family’s, the social workers, the system). I’ve always been a daydreamer. My journey has been one of curiosity, reflection, and piecing together a story I didn’t have as a child.

None of that equates to being ungrateful.

What if, instead of expecting adoptees to be grateful, we try to understand them a bit more and try supporting them in finding peace, if needed?

To my fellow adoptees, both children and adults—I pray you find the silver linings in your story and a peace that surpasses all understanding. Maybe it’s not your adoption that you’re grateful for, but the resilience you’ve developed along the way.

Regardless—unconditionally—I honor every emotion you have.

When you reflect on your adoption journey, what emotions come up for you?

Note: Adoptees are not a monolith—our stories are not the same. If the experiences shared here don’t resonate with you, that’s okay. I hope something else we share will. And if not, we invite you to share your own story through our My Story program.